英语笑话【12篇】

笑话来源于生活，却又可以让我们的生多些欢乐、开心，书读百遍，其义自见，下面是勤劳的小编给家人们收集的12篇英语笑话大全的相关文章。

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇1

One Point

Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind.， and the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year －"62-63"， "63-64"， "64-65"， etc.

One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, he said, "Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?"

一分之差

位于印第安那州瓦巴西的怀兹中学，其门厅里悬挂着过去四十年间样篮球队的照片。每幅照片前排中间的队员举着一个篮球，上面标明年份－“62-63”，“63-64”，“64-65”等等。

一天，我看到一个新生很困惑地看着照片。他朝我转过身来，说道：“多奇怪呀，这些队都是以一分之差输掉的！"

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇2

who want to go to heaven

The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.

As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated"， the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."

Awaking with a start ， the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit ， "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."

牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。

一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来！”

打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”

英语笑话爆笑带翻译 篇3

给丈夫最好的警告（中英）

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I' m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

我的丈夫对我时常波动的情绪很不高兴。所以那天他给我买了一个心情戒指，那样他就可以从戒指上看出我的心情。当我的心情好的`时候，那个戒指就会变成绿色。当我的心情不好的时候，在我丈夫的额头上就会留下一大块红色的戒指印。

长篇英语笑话 篇4

A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr．Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant．Dr．Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits．” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your ， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson．” The boy sat down． Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited． The boy said“Come in．” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields．” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself．” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip．

在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老妇人，她时常打发仆人给他送礼物。斯威夫特博士接受她的礼物，但从不给小厮任何酬谢。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙着写东西，小厮冲进了他的房间，把书一扒拉，将一个包裹扔在书桌上，说道：“我的女主人送给你两只兔子。” 斯威夫特转过身来说：“孩子，包裹可不是这样送法呀。现在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎么送的，并要记取这个教训。” 小厮坐了下来，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲门，等待回音。小厮说“进来”。博士进了门，走到桌旁说道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以亲切的问候，并希望您收下这些兔子，这是她儿子今天早晨在地里打的。” 小厮回答说：“谢谢你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的儿子致谢，谢谢他们的关心。这两个先令是送给你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以后，斯威夫特从没忘记送小费给小厮。

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇5

Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） 。 "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人烦恼地） held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

一个漂亮的。女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台，说：“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子，多少钱？”

“每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着，带着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩说，“我要十码。”

带着期待的表情，售货员很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一脸奸笑地送了过来。

女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头：“爷爷给我付账。”

英语笑话 篇6

《somebody》 大人物

My uncle has 1000 men under him.

He is really somebody. What does he do?

A maintenance man in a cemetery.

我叔叔下面有1000个人。

他真是一个大人物。干什么的？

墓地守墓人。

生难词：cemetery n.守墓人

英语笑话 篇7

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

妻子：你会怎么形容我呢？

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

丈夫：ABCDEFGHIJK.

Wife: "What does that mean?"

妻子：那是什么意思？

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

丈夫：迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的'、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

妻子：哇，谢谢，但是“IJK”是什么意思呢？

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

丈夫：开个玩笑！

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇8

A small boy and his father were having a walk in the country when it suddenly began to rain very hard． They did not have their umbrella with them， and there was nowhere to hide from the rain， so they were soon very wet， and the small boy did not feel very happy． For a long time while they were walking home through the rain， the boy was thinking． Then at last he turned to his father and said to him，“Why does it rain， Father？ It isn't very nice， is it？” “No， it isn't very nice， but it's very useful，Tom，”answered his father．“It rains to make the fruit and the vegetables grow for us， and to make the grass grow for the cows and sheep．” Tom thought about this for a few seconds， and then he said，“Then，why does it rain on the road too， Father？”

一个小男孩和他的父亲正在乡间行走，突然下起了大雨。 他们没带伞，加上四下无处可以躲雨，所以很快他们浑身上下被淋湿了，小男孩感到很不好受。 他们在雨中朝家走去，有好一会儿，那个男孩一直在思索着什么。后来终于他朝父亲转过脸去，问他说：“爸爸，为什么天会下雨呢？下雨可不太好，是吧？” “是呀，下雨是不太好，可是下雨也有很多有益的地方，汤姆。”父亲回答说。“老天爷下雨促使了为我们所食用的水果和蔬菜的生长，同样也促使牛羊所吃的青草的生长。” 汤姆对父亲的这番话想了一会，然后说：“那么，父亲，老天爷为什么还要把雨下在路上呢？”

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇9

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.孩子们在天主教学校的自助食堂中排队打午饭。

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

在桌子的前端有一大堆苹果。修女写了一张字条，把它贴在了苹果盘上：“只能拿一个，上帝在看着。”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

继续排着队向前走，在桌子的尽头有一大堆巧克力脆饼。

A child had written a note, "Take all you is watching the apples."

一个孩子写了张字条：“随便拿，上帝在看着苹果。”

英语笑话 篇10

What dog can jump higher than a building?

什么狗比大楼跳的还高？

Anydog, buildings can't jump!

任何一只狗，大楼又跳不起来。

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇11

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

一个律师与一个工程师在加勒比海边钓鱼。律师说：“我到这里是因为我的房子被大火烧了，保险公司赔偿了我所有的损失。”

“这太巧了，”工程师说，“我是因为房子被洪水冲垮了，保险公司也赔偿了所有的损失。”

律师看起来有些困惑，“你是怎么引起洪水的？”他不解的问。

笑死人不偿命的英语笑话 篇12

Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

相亲

和盲约对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”